TL;DR: I build trust. Then I convert trust into behavior change. I repeat that until I get what I want. Finally, I make sure I want the right things.
What is trust?
Trust is a proxy for how well current words describe future outcomes.
If I’m always late, no one will believe me when I say, “I’ll be there by 8,” because those words are unlikely to reflect my actual arrival time.
If each of my three venture-backed companies sold for $1B, my promise to “100X your seed investment” is going to be taken more seriously than if they went bankrupt.
How do I use trust to get what I want?
Whatever I want requires a person to behave differently, even if that person is myself.
Behaving differently is perceived as riskier than repeating existing behavior, because the outcome is less certain. By showing a history of my words accurately predicting my actions, though, I make it less risky for people to trust me.
Here’s my playbook:
- I make my words more valuable
- I trade the value of my words for new behavior through an offer (Hire me, I’ll make you lots of money).
- They believe me, so they do what I say.
- I get what I want.
- I follow through on the offer, so I can continue trading words for behavior
How I make my words more valuable
It’s easy to want something. It’s easy to offer something. The hard part is making someone value what I say.
But just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s complicated:
I get more trust by doing what I say, which improves the value of my words.
How I do what I say
Here’s exactly how I do what I say:
- Decide what to do
- Say it
- Start doing it
- Say how it’s going
- Finish doing it
- Reflect
1. Deciding what to do
Key skill: clarity
I start with identity — defining what type of person I want to become.
I’m the type of entrepreneur who works 40hrs/week but still makes $1M/year
I’m someone who always finds time to exercise and eat well
I’m a curious person who reads and writes
Picking a life-long identity resonates deeper than picking a one-time goal, so it’s more motivating. It also makes it easier to decide what to do next. I just have to ask, “What would that type of person do this week?”
A high-level entrepreneur would focus on solving the biggest bottleneck in their business.
A healthy person would schedule at least 30 min/day to exercise and eat clean food.
A reader would get a book and read it first thing in the morning.
If my target identity is vastly different from my present reality, I only focus on one big identity shift at a time. If I’m out of shape and hate my job, I’ll focus on getting healthy until it’s a habit. Then I’ll maintain that habit while finding a better job.
2. Saying it
Key skill: accountability
This is when things get real. After I’m clear about what I’m going to do, I call my shot. I’m specific, too — including outcomes and dates.
If I decide to get strong enough to snatch my body weight before Xmas, I tell people at my gym when they ask what I’m training for.
If I decided to replace my current salary with my side hustle income in the next 10 months, I get a business coach and tell her. Depending on how relevant the side hustle is to my digital brand, I may also create a post saying what I’ll do and inviting others to follow along for the ride.
If I decided to read a book a month, I’ll start a mini book club or create a group chat with the bookworms I know.
The more others depend on the outcome of my work, the more specific I am. For example, “I’ll fix the bugs in the backlog by next Friday at 5 pm, submitting a new PR for each along the way.”
By embracing this accountability early, I maximize the payoff when I do it. The earlier I say it, the longer others can see the congruence between my words and actions, the more trust I’ll earn.
By saying what I’ll do, I’m guaranteeing that the value of my words is about to change. Now it’s just a question of whether it goes up or down.
3. Starting
Key skill: discipline
Thanks to the intrinsic motivation and social pressure from steps 1 & 2, it’s usually easy to start. I adjust my schedule to make time for the new action. Then I start doing the thing.
4. Updating
Key skill: accountability
I honestly update people about how it’s going.
Trust is won or lost in these updates, so I remember these guidelines beforehand:
- It’s OK if it’s going poorly. It’s OK if it’s more difficult than I expected. It’s even OK if I need to adjust my timeline. People understand that things are usually harder than they initially seem.
- It’s NOT OK to skip the update, pretending like I never set the goal or said what I would do. [all words lose value]
- It’s NOT OK to make excuses. [all words lose value]
- It’s NOT OK to wait until everything is finished to update (”Oops, I’m 3 weeks late”). [words related to timelines lose value]
I like scheduling regular updates in my calendar. Seeing them helps me stay focused on doing the right work. Sending periodic updates also reinforces my dependability. It shows that I’m working on the thing, holding myself accountable along the way, and can stick to a schedule.
5. Finishing
Key skill: discipline
Everyone likes closed loops. Even if they’re not anxiously awaiting my next update, they want to know how the story ends. Regardless of how well things went, I make time to give them the satisfaction of resolution.
If the final update is for strangers who aren’t invested in my success (eg a LinkedIn or X follower), then I package this last update into something that makes them feel like they’re still the main character. For example, “I published 1 YouTube video / week for a year. Here’s what I wish I knew at the beginning”
6. Reflecting
Key skill: honesty
I’ve done the work and updated the people, which usually results in me getting what I wanted, along with some nice words from those who’ve been along for the ride.
It took a lot of guts and discipline to get this far, so I try to enjoy it and chill.
Then I start the real work: being honest with myself.
Do I enjoy this new person I’ve become?
Were the sacrifices I made worth it?
Do I want to keep saying ‘no’ to other identities so I can maintain this one?
If I continued down this path, would I be doing so out of authenticity or obligation?
This is the scariest part because honest answers often have inconvenient implications.
For example, I thought I wanted to be CEO of a VC-backed company like Elon. I quit my FT software engineer job, built an app (Compass Calendar), and started talking to investors and potential cofounders. People were willing to give me large portions of their time, trust, and money because of my work and vision — enough signal to know that I could continue down that path. But the more I learned about what that route required, the more uneasy I felt.
During a quiet walk, I finally admitted to myself: Despite all the sacrifices I made during the previous 2 years, raising VC and charging toward an exit wasn’t what I wanted anymore.
Damn.
I open-sourced the app, got a regular software engineer job, and started digging myself out of the financial hole I put myself in. It wasn’t fun, but it was the right decision. Perhaps I could’ve kept pushing it, sold the company, and become a multi-millionaire. But even if that had happened, I knew I would’ve still regretted doing something I didn’t believe in anymore.
That’s all to say, reflection mitigates the risk of over-investing in the wrong things.
If I always get what I want but never want the right things, then I’m just an ambitious fool.
Pulling off this reflection step is as simple as slowing down and listening. I journal, walk, and listen to music on planes and trains. Sooner or later I start to hear my authentic self whisper the truth. Then I write down what I hear without judgement.
7. Repeating
Key skill: purpose
At this point, I have almost everything I need to continue:
- The self-confidence to know that I can dream, execute, and hold myself accountable
- The trust of others
- The lessons I learned through my actions
- The truth about how authentic I’ve been
The final step is connecting everything to my purpose.
Purpose helps me make sense of the process I just went through and gives me a reason to put everything on the line again. With enough purpose, I don’t have to feel bad about wanting something. I don’t have to let my fears of publicly failing to stop me from trying. I also don’t have to beat myself up if I initially went after the wrong thing.
With purpose, I can focus on living in alignment, rather than chasing a one-time goal.
Reconnecting with my purpose makes it clear what I ought to desire next, which then makes it clear what to do next.
Now the only thing left to do is to begin again.
